Thursday, February 3
feeling a little down and tired today.. just finished chores.. still not feeling too well. bleaugh. i miss you so muchhh. it's been almost since a week since we met up, and time is taking its toll on me. i guess it even shows too. last week was okay cos we met wed fri sat. now almost a week has passed and i miss the kind of company i have with you. that kind of easy camaraderie we had. i guess i miss your voice? i really want to just call you and say hi just want to say i miss you and love you.. but i know you can't pick up the phone in class. but i'll be seeing you tomorrow! the mere thought cheers me up =) i don't care what others think, i know friends are forever, and who cares about knights in shining armors when you have your girl-buddies with you? =)
so many times i've wondered what the hell i am doing here. and so many times i've known that i'm merely fulfilling a destiny that began eons ago. it matters not how i feel or what i think, as long as i don't miss a step. as long as destiny is fulfilled. maybe i allowed myself a little detour last year. maybe it was all so wrong. but the truth is it has changed me. i can't be the way i was before it all happened. i'm trying to untie the knot, go back to being straight rope, and i know i can.. but it's all so hard. knots can be untied.. but if you wash and dry them and let them shrink and harden in the sun.. untying them becomes almost impossible. i let bitterness feed on me too long.. i'm so afraid that the only way to untie this knot now is to cut it away from myself.. and when that happens i must lose a part of myself.. whether before or after the knot i do not know.. but something must be lost. i am not strong enough. and even if i held my destiny now in my hand as one holds a compass.. i wouldn't know where to go, where to turn.
i hate to say this but i'm slowly falling apart. i need you by my side to guide me, support me, be my friend, understand that i'm only mortal. i need to cry on your shoulder. i miss you. i want to run away, or maybe turn back time, but it's all so silly.. what's done is done, what's past is past. help me to learn to deal with the present.. i almost despise it! wash, wash it all away from me. hear without listening, look without seeing, speak without saying. i try to be there for you. i only hope it's enough that my soul will always be by your side, because my person has to stay here..
have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry?
have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
have you ever..
have you ever?
it must've been love.
9:00 pm
xoxo
